EPISODE 32

When I first met Bosco in 1994, it was to answer a classified ad that he’d placed, looking for a salesman.  His office was located in White River Junction, not far from where I lived in Hartford, Vermont, which was a plus as it meant that I wouldn’t have a long commute to get to work.  I had some experience selling fly fishing equipment, canoes, kayaks and other kinds of outdoor gear, so I figured that I could handle anything he threw at me.  He spelled out that my job was to be making phone calls in the evening to men who had responded to a late-night infomercial about hair loss.  To say that it all seemed a little silly didn’t do the situation justice, but I needed a job and the commission rate that Bosco outlined looked very promising.  The trick to the conversation I was to have with each new prospect was to ask seemingly logical, almost clinical questions about his hair loss experience.  Of course, those questions were actually meant to trigger a hugely emotional response on the part of the prospect, allowing me the opening I would need to get him to agree to visit one of the studios that Bosco owned.  These conversations would go something like this:

“How long have you been losing your hair?” I would always begin.

“I don’t know,” was the standard response as the prospect tried to think back to the first time he had looked into a mirror and realized that he was beginning to go bald.  He usually came up with an answer, but only after reflecting on that first, painful moment.

“Where is the hair loss occurring?” I would continue

This question forced the prospect to detail where he felt the balding pattern was most noticeable.  Again, I had posed a question that someone like a doctor might have asked him, in an apparent effort to help me come up with a remedy.  This was complete nonsense though as this entire conversation took place over the telephone.  There was no way I could diagnose or suggest any kind of care this way, but if the prospect was feeling the pain enough, he would continue the conversation in the hope of getting help.  Once my prospect had explained where he was losing his hair, my job was to motivate him to tell me what his fantasy was, how having his hair back would change his life.

“What was it you were hoping I could do for you?” I would ask, and before he could answer, I would add: “Were you hoping I could slow down the rate of your hair loss, or did you want all of your hair back?”

Oh, good lord!  What a question!  A susceptible prospect would be reeling with conflicting thoughts by now.  Was I promising to re-grow his hair?  Was that even possible?  Was this all a con?  What if it’s not a con?  Could he really get back a full head of hair???  But most vitally, the prospect was now beginning to fantasize about what his life would be like, if only he had hair on top of his head.  This was the moment that I had been waiting for and I would lean in for the kill.

“I’m wondering, what was it that got you to call in after you saw our ad on television?”

And that was the whole battle, right there.  This was when you heard what the guy really wanted in life.  More often than not, it was sex (big surprise).  I heard some wonderful responses to this question, although my favorite was from a guy who had overheard two women at the company where he worked talking about him.  One said she thought he was kind of cute, but that he was clearly too old for her.  It killed him that he was shut out of any possibility of being with her and he blamed his male pattern baldness for it.  So it was that if I could get the prospect to reveal to me why he held out any hope that anyone could help him, then I could ask him whether he wanted help from me.  Once that bond had been made, I owned him.

There was, of course, the odd exception.

One night about 9 months after I started working for Bosco, I got a guy on the phone and after getting the appropriate responses to the setup questions, I asked him why he’d called in.

“That’s a good question!” he’d replied cheerfully.  “You know, I’ve been losing my hair for a long time, 10 years or more, but I never figured there was anything I could do about it.  What the hell, my wife thinks I look okay and if she’s happy, so am I.  But you know, I was out in the yard over the weekend, giving my dog a flea bath and I notice that he’s got a lot of fur on him, even those he’s older than hell.  Jesus, he’s 14 for cryin’ out loud.  That’s what…98 years old in people years!  So I’m looking at him and I’m looking at the flea shampoo I’m using on him, so I begin to think about it.”

“Think about what?” I asked, immediately wishing that I had kept my mouth shut.

“The shampoo!  I mean, the dog’s got lots of fur.  I use this stuff on him every month or two and so I figured – what the hell!”

Oh god, I thought to myself.  Please don’t tell me…

“So I started using his shampoo and I think it’s working!”

Of course.

The next episode of SlipNot will be published on April 14th.

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