EPISODE 64

I went back to my office and called Sasha’s.  Eric answered the phone.

“Michael!” he practically shouted in my ear.  “I’m glad you called. Sasha wants to talk to you.  Give me a sec to find her.”

I was put on hold for about a minute before Sasha came on the line.

“Michael?”

“Hey.”

“You are such an asshole!”

“What did I do?”

“Bosco told me you screwed up real bad.”

“I did,” I replied.  “I acted like a complete dick.”

“That’s what Bosco said.  How could you tell Keith to go fuck himself?”

“It seemed appropriate.”

“Michael!”  She was really ticked off now.  “You don’t know how serious this is!”

“Actually I do.  I insulted the guy who owns the company I work for by dropping the F-bomb.  Then I insulted him again by handing him a bill for the commissions he’d taken from me.  Other than that, I thought things went fairly well.”

“Jesus!  Michael, what the hell were you thinking?”

“Did Bosco tell you that SlipNot is going to pay me the money I told Keith I thought he owed me?”

“Bullshit.”

“Nope.  I met with Richard and he said that they’d pay me in monthly installments over the next year.”

Sasha was truly astonished.  All I could hear was her breathing.  It reminded me a bit of that time when she’d called to complain about the quality of the leads that Bosco and I sold her.  I waited for her to speak, but she remained silent.  Then she started to giggle.

“What?” I asked.

“I can’t believe you!” she laughed.  “You told them all to go screw and they rewarded you for it?”

“Yup!” I laughed.  “I was as surprised as you.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“It’s pretty obvious.  I have to get out of here, Sasha.”

“But why?  They’re paying you off.”

“I know, but they’ve also taken away my territory and that means I have to start all over again and with the toughest, crappiest part of the market that’s been left to me.”

Sasha didn’t say anything to that at first.  I figured that she was trying to come up with a pep talk that would get me to see this new adversity as an opportunity.  Hell, I’d tried to do the same thing, but I didn’t buy it.

“You couldn’t try it?” she offered.  “Just for a few months?  To see if it works?”

“I need some time to put something in place, but I’m definitely going to get out before they fire me.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Sell, what else?”

“Michael, that’s a little vague, even for you.”

She was right, of course.  Neither of us said anything for a bit before Sasha broke the silence.

“You could come work with me.”

“No.”

“Now wait!  I think this is really good idea!  I need someone who can take on the sales and marketing part of the business.  I can barely keep up with it and still keep the studio running every day.  It’d be a real relief…”

“Sasha, please.  But, no.  You’re very nice to offer.”

“Don’t patronize me, you shit!  I mean it.  You should come work here with me!”

The truth of the matter was that I was completely unemployable.  I simply didn’t play well in the sandbox with other people.

“I think I’m going to try something different.”

“What?  Michael, what are you thinking?”

“Well,” I said, “I’ve spent years selling advice to people who sell a product to people who don’t really need what they’re buying.  That’s pure sales.  It’s almost Zen.  It simply can’t get any more abstract than that!  Imagine for a second what it would be like if I sold something to people that they really wanted.  I’m not saying that you and folks like Frank Rotella, or even Joey Romano don’t offer something to your clients.  You do, otherwise they wouldn’t keep showing up.  They trust you guys and in return, you give them something that no one else can.  But I sure as hell can’t do that in this business, you know what I mean?”

“Actually, that was unusually condescending.”

“I’m sorry.  It wasn’t mean to be.  But in reality, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.  You sell your clients hair replacements because you want to make then happy.  That’s a real talent and you can’t fake it either. My job has been simply to show folks how to sell more of the product that Keith makes.  When Bosco and I tell people in seminars to ask their prospects questions like ‘How long have you been losing your hair?’ – or ‘What were you hoping we could do for you?’ – it’s almost not important what the answer is.  We basically tell them that don’t really need that ‘data’ to close the sale.  But you do need to get the prospect to think about the moment that he felt at his lowest about his hair and so that he can relive the pain.”

“So?”

“So, I don’t really care what any of my prospects say either, as long as I can direct the conversation the way I want it to go, to sell them advertising programs and marketing training.  That’s the only way I can look at this business.    I’m not in it to help anyone but my myself and by extension, SlipNot.”

“That’s very cynical, Michael.”

“I agree and I’m tired of feeling that way.  I think that’s part of the reason why I blew up at Keith.  I’m mad at him, but I’m also very angry with myself for putting myself in this position in the first place.  I’ve been telling people that it doesn’t matter what you sell, for so long, that I began to believe it.”

“Bought your own bullshit, did you?

“Appears like it.  That’s what makes this so bad.  What little credibility I have left is about to crash.  So I figure my best move is to reinvent myself and I sure as hell can’t do that in the hair business. 

“By the way,” I added.  “That was very sweet of you.”

“What?”

“To worry.  I appreciate it.”

“Thanks.  But you still haven’t answered my question: What are you going to do next?”

“They sell a lot of real estate in Florida.”

“What?” 

“I figure if I’m so good at essentially selling nothing, how tough could it be to sell houses or to rent out apartments?  That’s something that people actually need, unlike the parlor tricks I’ve been pushing all of these years.  From what I read, Florida is the place to be too. Besides, I already like the fishing down there.”

“Is that all you like?” Sasha asked softly.

“No.”

The next episode of SlipNot will be published on November 17th.

If you'd like to read SlipNot in its entirety, GO HERE.

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